Be Thou My Shelter

When I last wrote, we had sold our house and were very much considering buying a house that we had found. That house needed about $20k worth of upfront work done. Ugh... So, that one wasn't the one for us.

Soon after we ended up looking at about five different houses in one day; I liked something about each one of them, but none of them felt like "the one". There was one that stood out though, and we pursued it a bit more. It was vacant because it was owned by a military family who were asked to move to Florida. It was beautiful. It was built in 1900, had wood beams in the living room ceiling, a beautiful big dining room, and a claw-foot bath tub. It had a lot of the things that I would be happy looking at each day in my home. There were things that I didn't care for, but honestly, I felt like I could get past them, and so we moved forward. 

We ended up having it inspected, putting an offer on it, accepting a counter offer from the sellers, getting it appraised and were set to close at the end of August. Because it was vacant, we went ahead and had the carpets cleaned before the closing date. The sellers were even okay with us moving stuff into the garage to help with the moving process... and so we did. We filled the two-car garage with things mostly from our basement, garage, and shed. It was packed.

And then the day before we were supposed to close I received a phone call from our Realtor. We were told that the listing agent had never let the title company know that the sellers were in another state and wouldn't be attending the closing. This was a problem as no paperwork had been sent to have them sign in order for us to then sign; so we knew the closing for sure wouldn't happen that day. 

And then the day of closing, we were told that this was essentially a "Short Sale". A short sale is basically when the owner owes more money than they are going to make on the sale of their home and the bank will allow this with approval. Banks don't move to quickly in these situations usually. Our lender told us she had never seen a short sale close in less than 4 months.

This was frustrating... for a lot of reasons. One, when we accepted the counteroffer, it was because the sellers told us that if they were to go any lower the house would BECOME a short sale. From the sound of it, it was a short sale from the very beginning. Apparently, because of the owner's status in the military, his commanding officer was actually interceding with the mortgage company to get this situation taken care of for the owner. Not even their agent knew exactly what was taking place, plus it was all happening long distance. Two, we had already put quite a bit of money into this home for the inspection, appraisal, and carpet cleaning PLUS our earnest money that we had put towards the home.

That morning we had to make the decision as to whether or not we wanted to wait the 6-8 weeks that the owners thought this would be taken care of in (and there was NO guarantee that it actually would be 6-8 weeks!) or to walk away. For us, the wisest decision was to walk away. With the baby coming in November, and no guarantees of how long this would actually last, and the fact that we had to be out of our home that weekend (because we DID close on the sale of our home and the person who bought it, bought it as a rental with a renter moving in that next week!), walking away was hard, but we had to.

This all happened at the end of August and a month later we are just now getting things completely settled with that home and those owners. It has been a long test of endurance, grace, and trust. And in that time (remember I said we had to be out of our home that last weekend of August??), we've been living in the basement of my father-in-law's home. It's in a suburb outside of the city where we live, so there's a bit more of a drive to all the places we end up needing to go and I'm eight months pregnant sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I'm INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that we had a home to be welcomed into. I can now even write that I'm also thankful for some of the insights my Creator has been revealing to me about myself (these have not taken place without A LOT of huffing and puffing and pulling and stretching... and maybe even some teeth clenching and hyperventilating crying in the middle of the night... maybe, I don't really remember.).

Since all this has taken place, we ended up putting an offer on another home that I seriously had to coax myself into even considering it. I finally came to a point of feeling like it was a place that we could make ours, and honestly, I had become completely hopeless of ever finding anything that would come close to being "the one" that I was really hoping for. We were given a counteroffer. And in the time that our offer and the counteroffer took place, we received an email with a brand new listing that I completely ignored (mainly because it had no pictures... hahaha) but my husband ended up looking it up and sending it to me. From the description it sounded amazing... too amazing. I Google Mapped it and was able to see the outside. Oh goodness... it actually WAS amazing. We made the call to see it that day. Our agents were never able to get a hold of the listing agent, so we saw it the next day.

We drove up and my husband immediately said he'd put a tire swing in the huge tree in the front yard. This was slightly out of character for my husband as he doesn't really look at stuff like that in houses; he looks at the age of the windows, the wood work around the house that will need work in a few years, you know, stuff like that. I was already in love before even entering. We walked around to the back of the house, and the yard made me fall even more in love. We went inside, where there are definite updates that need to be made, but I was gone. THIS was THE ONE, and we both felt it. I honestly could not believe it. It has everything we need in a home, but even better, all the little things that we want in home that weren't on our list of necessaries, but more like dreamy kind of things that you think would be nice to have in a home. We made an offer the next day. Weeks later, we have it all worked out and we have a contract pending with a closing date set!!!!

This home, the journey to finding this home, and everything in between have left me in complete awe of how The Maker works. His ways are NOT our ways. We can't fathom His works, His thoughts. And just when I'd almost fully given into the temptation to believe that His Faithfulness wasn't enough for me, He reached out and lead me to place that He had prepared for us the entire time. The place that I had asked for Him to prepare over and over... and then when push came to shove, I didn't really believe that He was going to. And He still did.

We close in a couple weeks, will get moved in, and then a couple weeks later will bring home a brand new baby to add to the mix! It's an exciting, overwhelming time... and I honestly can't wait to continue seeing how His works will be played out in our lives.

The Craziest Person On The Face Of The Earth.

That's me... right now. I mean, I admit that I definitely have a crazy side, but usually it's a bit more fun-loving and I wouldn't actually be considered criminally insane. Get me pregnant, put my house on the market, sell my house, put me on the hunt for a new house, all while maintaining the house and children that I'm currently blessed with... yeah, I am crazy... like out of control.

But this afternoon, I had a revelation. First, I have to say that I don't have many opportunities in this season of life to have moments where it's so quiet, I can hear. Today though, the little man is sleeping and the two little ladies are out with Grandma and Grandpa for a bit... and I remembered that quiet is so nice. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the noise of kids. Their feet running through the house drives me crazy, because they're running through the house, but that pitter-patter sound is such a great sound. The whines and cries of their physical beings are really just their little souls pleading for the same things my own soul is pleading for... Home. And sometimes my whines and cries are just as loud, if not louder. Especially lately.

Lately, I've been so caught up in this world. I don't how it happened, but I don't like it. I've been thinking of myself a lot, much more than I'd care to admit. It's because I'm tired, and worn out, and chaos and loudness surround me ALL THE TIME. And rather than let my Creator guide me through it, I've just been wading. Wading through a storm doesn't work. You drown. I've been drowning.

But this afternoon, the winds quieted and the waves were calm and I was able to hear again.

This pregnancy isn't about me. The Master Knitter is doing just that inside me. There's a tiny little soul being knit together and my heart is being trained and refined so that when that little round baby enters this world, I'm able to do the same with her. It's just as terrifying and exciting with every new little soul I'm blessed with.

Selling a house and finding a new earthly home to stay in isn't about me. Long ago my days were written; how and where I spend those days have already been prepared for me. Hundred year-old wooden trim and "character" are not as important as the souls that take rest there or the Love and Virtue that will be instilled there. This one is a hard one for me, as I think with a lot of women, our home is an outpouring of our souls. It's where we find rest and comfort and we have just a bit more control inside those walls. I'm finding my way back to my ultimate Rest and Comfort and again, am having to just let go of the control I long to have so much.

Loving the souls that surround me each day isn't about me... but it kind of is. Because when I'm loving them, I mean really truly loving them, it's because I'm not distracted or flooded with concern. I'm just loving them and unconsciously allowing the One who loves us all most to work in and through them and I together.

The straight and narrow path Home seems so much rockier and much more hilly when I let my eyes stray from the glory that awaits. I hope this afternoon of peace and rest will allow me to keep my head up for awhile, as in forever, but sadly I know myself and I'll be here again and so will He... because His faithfulness far outweighs my doubt... every time.

Whirlwinds and Stretching.

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind.
The Red Barn Outdoor Market grew by almost three times what it was last Spring and it took so much more to organize and keep things rolling smoothly. It happened though; it was muddy and cold, but it did happen and we did have a blast!

Seeing the pictures reminds me how much I love this opportunity. I just love it SO much and am so thankful for it.

Once the market stuff ended, we began focusing attention to getting our house listed on the market. We're STILL working on that. We're hoping to find a space that accommodates all of our needs... one of those needs being space for another family member! We'll be welcoming another little baby to our lives mid-November. 

This pregnancy has definitely made itself a priority in my daily life most days as I have been extremely nauseous and exhausted. I finally started feeling less exhausted and haven't been too nauseous at all since about last Thursday. I do still have three other children, though, and they also make themselves a priority in my daily life. The last few weeks have just been trying and exhausting all around.

And today it all came forth. Everything that I've been pushing off, holding back, just trying to survive the days, all came to a sobbing mess today. I am not one that cries too often, especially not when overwhelmed... until it just gets to that point when I am REALLY overwhelmed. I was sobbing and telling the girls over and over that I just could not handle it anymore... and my five year laughed at me. Hmm... wonder where she picked that up from? Mother, I do not regret ever laughing at you when you were crying over some of the silly things you cried over, however, I was in your shoes today. So know that payback is taking place. I honestly think that she just had no idea what to do, so she laughed. It's okay, it gave me an opportunity to question what on earth was going on.

I had no answer, but I knew that SOMETHING had to be going on besides just being exhausted and sick and tired of the daily motherly opportunities I've been given.

And then I lost it again tonight. My heart was just heavy... and then I realized that it's heavy from the grief that this week bears.

May 16th, tomorrow, will be the 9th anniversary of my Mother-in-law's and youngest brother-in-law's deaths. The day, the moments, the phone calls are still very clear in my mind. May 16th, 2004 changed the direction of our lives in so many, many ways... 

May 17th, 2006 brought more heartache as I experienced the physical and emotional loss of our first baby through miscarriage. It never gets to me until this week... every year.

And my heart gets heavy. I don't get it. I am thankful for it... as it's always a perfect reminder of the sovereign grace that is so generously given out when most needed. And it makes me feel something that is not a normal part of my everyday life. And it makes me long for Home, in different ways than exhaustion and toddlers throwing tantrums make me long for Home. 

There's just a lot of "stretching" taking place around these parts tonight and my whole being feels it.

Adding to the stretching, two of Jacob's brothers are moving away in the next week or so; one is taking his pregnant wife with him as well! I struggle to write the words that would give some sort of explanation as to how my heart feels about this. It makes me so sad. Life certainly doesn't afford me the time that I used to be able to spend with them, so the times that I do have with them are really meaningful to me, even when it's just dinner or them just stopping by. I feel like the little widow we visit down the street just longing for a little more time each time. Being married to their older brother and not having my mother-in-law around these last several years has given me such incredible opportunities to love them in a lot of different ways and I do love them so much.

So, we'll see what the rest of this night holds in store... certainly not finishing off the bag of Black Forest Caramels I have... actually it may in fact be those little caramels time to shine. Though a glass of pineapple juice also sounds really delicious... we'll see who shines brighter.

My Second Inclination.

Registration has opened for The Red Barn Outdoor Market. In six days, there have been 27 brand new Vendors who have registered. It's been pretty amazing.

I've always thought to myself that as long as I find the process of planning, preparing for, and executing  this thing enjoyable, and along with my family's desire to support me through it, we'll keep it up. I'm excited to see where it goes and what God does with it.

Because of the blessing of growth, I'm also reaping the other wonderful "blessing" of dealing with numerous citizens of the Public. The Public can be extremely kind and encouraging. The Public can be super helpful in suggesting really great ideas that benefit everyone.

There are some who are citizens of the Public who happen to think the Earth is actually physically revolving around them, meaning that then obviously the Market does as well. And my first inclination is to immediately think of the blog post that I'm going to slander them in.

The enemy and the wickedness that brews in my heart, allow me to create a great story full of wit that will make people literally chuckle out loud (I use chuckle instead of laugh as I don't want to give myself TOO much credit...) but also include how I took the high road in my response to this specific citizen (making people whisper to themselves, "She is so amazing.").

But then all of a sudden I feel something. It's something bigger than my enemy and it covers the pungent stench of my wickedness... even though I don't want it to.

I ignore it and continue on because obviously I was given this opportunity to point out someone else's shortcomings so that others will learn from it.

Ugh... I feel it more. And then somehow the thoughts that I was having about this OTHER person thinking the world revolves around them, suddenly turn on me! Suddenly those chuckles and whispers are completely gone and a strange, very strange feeling creeps in and all of a sudden I think of the nicest, most kind way that I can word something in response to what I would consider an outrage (okay, outrage may be taking it a little far) to make this person feel heard and understood.

Ugh! Bleh! Blaaah! What is going on here?!?!?! This isn't going to make a good blog post AT ALL.

I'm learning that my Trainer loves to create the most intensive and extensive exercises for my being so that one day I reflect Perfection. He gives me hurdles to jump in the form of making time for relationships; He gives me a mind puzzle book to read while simultaneously having me climb steps in the form of this mysterious thing He called marriage; and LOTS and LOTS of the most mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually DRAINING but at the same time insanely AWESOME cardio through three of the most unbelievable creations on this Earth, aka The Littles. So, a little contact with the Public should really be a piece of cake... and I'm not usually one to pass up on cake!

"For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities- all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard..." Colossians 1:16, 17, 21-23

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Do some good on this lovely day.

I'm ALIVE.

Last Tuesday, I wasn't so sure. I have been SICK. I laid in bed last Tuesday, staring at the ceiling and called a priest to come read me my last rites (I'm not Catholic, just dramatic). It was SO terrible. It was horrid. It was by far, the most horrifying state of sickness my body has ever been through.

It was, however, much needed.

I'm not one that... um, slows down. I get going and going and usually that works for me. Until it just doesn't.

After the Fall Red Barn Outdoor Market, I was still doing pretty well. Okay, laundry would get washed... but never put away. Meals were kind of planned... but not really. To some, this may be your everyday, and that's okay. It's not okay for me. I just don't function well in this environment. I need a routine, I need a schedule.

And my hormones were off... like really off. I just wasn't functioning as my normal self. So, I decided to do a cleanse and see what happened. It worked great, I wrote about it. There was, still is, more than a week could cure though. That's still in the works. However, having my hormones off just did not add to already being out of sync.

Then December came. Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary, just a lot going on. After our anniversary, I just felt tired. I was looking forward to my birthday, and how I could just spend the day by myself, relaxing, doing whatever I wanted to. One week before my birthday, I started feeling REALLY tired and like I was trying to fight something. The next day, I woke up feeling fine. That evening (New Year's Eve) I laid on the couch wrapped up in a blanket most of the night. Tuesday morning, I could not move. Thankfully, Jacob was still off work and cared for me.

Actually he didn't just care for me. He saved me. He, along with the One who knows my every need even before I do, saved me. I needed to shed that independence of just being able to handle everything. I needed to be completely dependent on him... and knocking me down physically was the only way that was going to happen. I really did just lay in bed staring at the ceiling with tears streaming because I was in so much pain, and so utterly helpless. And my Love loved me. He embodied LOVE in such a way that it just humbled me. He ended up staying home for two extra days that week, as I tried to kick it and as my little ladies began to get it.

The day that he did go back, I asked my Book Club girls to be lifting me up throughout that day as I was still so sick, and was scheduled to take pictures that day. Within minutes of posting that request, one of them was headed to my house with tea, Emergen-C, homemade chicken broth, and other flu fighting sources. This act of love from a friend brought me to my knees. She packed up her three children just to care for me. Who does that? Sure we all throw out there the "If you need anything, just let me know!" phrase, but seriously... I'm not going to just let you know if I need anything. Because I don't want to feel as though I bothered you or inconvenienced you in any way. I don't want to have to place dependence on you. She heard my need and just took care of it. Another friend saw the post and brought us a meal. It was made up of morsels of mercy and grace. And it was kind of hard to swallow.

While my body was physically battling a nasty little virus, my soul was battling... itself. A scary battle to be in. Yet each time I thought I was being knocked down, I was actually being lifted up. Each act of love and grace that was shown to me was used as a band-aid to heal something that I hadn't even known was wounded... because I just kept moving and never took time to feel.

Each night when my husband comes home he makes his way to me (usually in the kitchen where I'm preparing dinner chaotically) and kisses me. I've asked him to not only continue doing this, but also to make me stop what I'm doing and embrace me. Hug out all the independence that was placed on my shoulders throughout the day of running a household and caring for and training the Littles. In this physical act of leaning on him, it triggers something in me to mentally let go and distribute some of the weight of life.

So, when I say "I'm ALIVE.", I feel it. I feel life again. I feel freedom. And I'm excited to see how this freedom will be used.

I Am Everything Love Is Not.

Since one of the items stolen from The Great Thievery of 2012 was my camera, and my phone doesn't seem to want to share any of my photos, words shall be written!

So... patience and kindness... how did it go? For me, it went quite well; and then I awoke. The three lovely little souls were also awake and in full gear... as always. Though each time I did act out of impatience and unkindness, I did think back to what I wrote. That counts for something, right? I long for the moment when my first THOUGHT is one of patience and kindness follows in word and deed. I am not there yet, I can tell you that.

Diving right in... "love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude." Easy! I'm so awesome at this loving others thing, I put everyone to shame! Oh... heh heh... or perhaps I don't even come close. Synonymous with envy are the words jealousy, covetousness, resentment, and uh-oh... discontentment; oh dear, this post is going to get real... quick. This recent thievery that took place in our home was not welcomed in any way. Our doors, shut tight and locked well; our windows, sealed and locked. We were not in any way just allowing someone to come in and take the earthly things that have been given to us; yet daily, I allow the enemy to come in, steal my soul's joy, and run with it. And chasing him down to get it back is nearly impossible, it usually just has to be replaced by my Insurance...the One who guarantees my protection and safety. If only I could rest always in where He has me... oh yes... I want to be there.

Boastfulness, arrogance... two things I DESPISE with everything in me; yet two things that come oh-so-naturally to me. Humility is not a comfortable place for my soul to rest because it takes effort to rest there (which is actually an oxymoron). My soul actually prefers the cushiony, down-pillow-like comfort of arrogance and boasting about my own awesomeness. It's pretty painless, I know all the right words to say, and I've been doing it a loooong time, so I'm good at it. Humility, on the other hand, can sometimes just downright hurt... because I'm not good at it. Exercising every so often produces achy muscles just as often; exercising daily, builds and strengthens muscles. May I daily exercise humility...

I looked up the definition of rude (because I'm geeky like that and want to know what words actually mean so I can then awesomely throw them into a sentence to impress everyone around me... okay, this post/reminder of what I truly want to desire, will probably have to be read daily... several times...UGH.) and here are some results:
1. lacking in refinement or good taste
2. showing a lack of manners or consideration for others

This seems easy enough; be refined and considerate of others. And then I read the first definition of refined: free from impurities. Well, this stinks, because I'm impure to my core which means I will have to daily, momentarily ask to be made pure. This actually doesn't make my Things-To-Ask-For list that often. And though being a wife and mother provides me with plenty of opportunities to be considerate of others, I actually usually like to consider myself first... I may not always act on that thought, oh but believe me, it was there. Ugh... those dang thoughts get me every time. I want to be pure.

And I thought practicing patience and kindness was going to be hard...

PS
The Red Barn Outdoor Market is ONE WEEK AWAY!!! If you are local, please come out and enjoy the amazing Vendors, Musicians, and food that will be there. I really am not sure what to expect this time, however, the feedback from FB and being out and about gives me the impression that this could be a really wonderful, enjoyable day. That gets me excited.

Ooh, and one more thing... I added My Etsy Favorites to the sidebar. There are so many great shops through Etsy who have owners who are passionate about what they create and I love that. So, you can see different items of mine that I "favorite" on my site.

Have a beautiful, wonderful weekend!

The Thing About People...

... well, that's just it... they're people.

We aren't like dogs who completely overlook offenses as long as you scratch their ears and throw a stick.
We aren't like cats who find your leg, arm, or face and nuzzle into it asking for attention when they want/need attention.

Nope. Instead we let our feelings get hurt and we rarely let people know what we really need.

And not everyone has a blog where they can spill out their emotions hoping all their family and friends read it and then just know what to do. {Don't worry (or for some of you, don't get excited), I'm not about to do that.}

None of us were created to be alone. I mean, look at Adam and Eve... the first human being needed a companion... because the animals weren't doing the trick. But on the other hand, we also weren't created to suck the life out of people with our dependent neediness! When you find that perfect middle ground in a relationship, it's something to behold.

And getting to that point can be hard; it can be painful; it can be humbling. Because to get to this point in a relationship, sometimes you have to put feelings aside... and communication is key.

Sometimes you have to look past a person's face and really look into their eyes to see what's going on in their heart (ever notice how many people don't make eye contact...).

Sometimes you have to ask people what's going on in theirs.
Sometimes you have to tell people what's going on in yours.

We all want to be known, to be loved. Even the most independent of us, want someone to know us so well, they know just how to love us... even if we only let that one someone do it every so often. We still want it... and need it.

And some people are just better at this than others. Some people just know how to make you feel good. They listen to your every word. They laugh with you when things are funny. They're not afraid to be sad with you. And they always know just what you need to hear, or when to give you a hug.

They love you. Not "They love YOU"... but, "They LOVE you." They LOVE people in general. They humbly put themselves aside, and in doing that, they create space to genuinely love those around them.

And they don't humbly put themselves aside never caring for their own needs. In fact, most of the time their needs are met BY loving those around them because they have a sincere interest in and a desire to genuinely spread Love.

It seems so simple. Yet there are so few who can really actively do it. Because initially putting yourself aside is not fun. Not even a little. We want what we want, when we want it. And it's hard to think that someone else's needs could take precedence over our own. But...

Love is patient and kind;
love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things;
believes all things;
hopes all things;
endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)

Eegh... I may need to work on a few... or all of these things because at some point in my life here on earth, I want to be actively spreading Love... in every moment I'm given, not just every so often.

It's exercise. It takes training. But eventually it will just become second-nature. Oooh, I long for this day (there's probably a few others around me longing for this for me as well!).

Start small this week... practice patience and kindness. It will be hard. You'll think to yourself, "Eeeasy. I'm so patient and kind to people."
And then you'll get around people.
Don't fret! Just practice... and just keep practicing until you get it. And even once you have it down, you're still going to have to practice.

So, this week practice patience and kindness.
We'll meet back here; same time, same place... okay, probably not the same time, but definitely same place.

Spread Love, friends.

Father Knows Best

Saturday was a dream.

A dream that I haven't woken up from yet.

The market was incredible;

every little detail that my mind's eye saw

came to life for the eyes of everyone to see.

The Vendors were just downright

quality people,

selling products and items that they loved;

the music...

Oooooooh, THE MUSIC!

The music created something magical in the air;

the food,

the food,

THE FOOD!

Great, couldn't even come close to describing it...

it was so incredible!

As I walked around that day,

I just kept saying,

"God you DID this,

this is AMAZING."

And then I started thinking...

After living in the Corporate world for a number of years,

the desire was placed in me a long time ago

to have our own business.

A family business;

a place where our kids

(and by "our kids" I mean all the many children of family

and friends that I take a huge responsibility in deeply loving!)

can grow beside us,

learn how to relate to people... all people,

learn the value of working hard,

and learn the price of integrity.

A place where we can create;

a place where we can encourage and motivate others

to do what they are called to do;

a place where Love can truly be found.

This, to me, is a far off reality.

I'm not in the business growing season...

I'm in the baby growing season.

I love this season.

I've longed for this season.

I cherish this season.

Did I mention I love this season??

And that's where my head is.

But then the opportunity for this market came along.

From the beginning,

I committed my way,

knowing that this would be the only way

my plans would be established.

Good heavens, were they established?!?!?!

The market is everything

I want in a shop,

EVERYTHING...

but like I mentioned before,

the whole shop dream is tucked away, 

yet...

The One who knows 

my every thought,

my every want,

my every need...

The One who knows JUST what I can handle,

gave me JUST what I could handle.

He always knows best.

Always.

PS

Pictures were taken that day by 

Jade Street Photography;

stay tuned!

Good Company

My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.
Jane Austen

These are two of the clever, well-informed people that I spend most of my time with.

And you better believe that we have a GREAT deal of conversation!

I often can't believe I've been given this opportunity

to be entrusted with these little souls;

to represent Love to them;

to plant Hope in them and then get to watch it grow.

It's quite a calling

and I love it so much...

it's hard, and fun, and frustrating, and awesome

all in one.

One stop shopping, right up my alley.

Have a lovely Monday.

A Life Changer...

I feel like I've experienced several 

life-changing moments

already in my short life;

At 15, my parent's divorce

was devastating,

though through it

I feel as though 

cycles were broken

and purpose

was instilled in me.

At 24, burying my mother-in-law

and youngest brother-in-law

brought a sorrow

that I really can't describe,

yet it proved 

the endurance and perseverance 

that I was capable of.

I've written before of my

two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage

and the ache that filled my being;

though I see now

what the Giver of Life was orchestrating.

With all of these under my belt,

nothing prepared me for her...

At thirteen weeks pregnant,

I saw a picture of what I thought

was my little baby boy.

The exhilaration that ran through me

for the next several weeks was incredible.

I prayed for HIM;

I sang to HIM;

I loved HIM.

We named HIM.

I went for my next sonogram

at 20 weeks pregnant

and saw a very clear image of a tiny

little baby GIRL.

I'll be honest,

I was so devastated.

I walked out to my car

and wept,

and cried a little more,

and finally pulled myself together

to go show my husband the images.

For me,

it was almost like experiencing

something similar to my miscarriages.

It was like HE was there, 

and then all of a sudden HE wasn't.

(Um, did I mention I was 20 weeks pregnant??

I was obviously a little emotional...)

Finally getting over the shock,

I began looking forward to this little girl.

I had always wanted boys,

but again knew that something bigger was taking place in me.

I needed that little girl more than I knew.

And when she arrived...

oh, goodness...

A joy no words can describe;

the love that took root in my heart and began growing;

the desire to be able to 

shield her,

protect her,

and give her the world

soared to an unattainable amount.

The long, frustrating sleepless nights

that left me gritting my teeth in rage

that our Maker would

not just grant us a little peace (and sleep!)

make me laugh now...

as I run on anywhere between five to six hours

of interrupted sleep these days

(this week, much less...

as I love on her teething little brother).

Her joy;

her questions;

her love;

her perception;

her wonder...

leave me in awe of our Creator.

Braiding her hair;

painting her nails;

making her dresses

(because that's ALL she wants to wear!);

passing on my addiction to lip gloss and mascara;

and showing her what is truly lovely

fills something in me

that I didn't even know I was missing.

She continues to leave me in bewilderment...

an incredibly wonderful bewilderment.

She's what I needed;

and today, 

she's four years old.

My first Little Love...

Happy Birthday, Little One.

The Only Two There From The Start

Thirty-two years ago today I arrived... fashionably late.

(Oh my goodness! I JUST realized that I was BORN a procrastinator!)

My mom may not consider the two extra weeks

I took that fashionable,

nor the emergency c-section,

but I've never heard her complain.

And I've ALWAYS tried to be on time for her ever since!

(Seriously, you can ask my husband,

she's the only person that I'd go

 "mascara-lip gloss only/hair in a bun" 

for JUST to be on time.)

So, I didn't get her punctuality gene,

but I did get her smile,

including her straight teeth.

She passed on her confidence

and her encouraging words 

have molded and shaped me continually.

I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a 

woman wearing white gloves

because of her

(yeah... our long line of sales genes ARE that good),

and can strike up a conversation

with just about anyone,

also because of her.

Mom,

I most certainly do not share this enough,

I know, I know...

but I do love you so much and

am so thankful for you

(and your crazy ways).

I wish I could be with you as you read this,

so I could laugh as you cry and wave me to look the other way.

It makes me smile just thinking about it

(also knowing that I'd do the exact same thing,

because I feel as though I received a double whammy

in the ole' emotions department,

getting that from both you and Dad). 

Oh, yes, and speaking of Dad...

though my mom claims I was perfect in every way,

he seemed to know different right from the start

as he tirelessly rocked me or 

drove around the neighborhood until I fell asleep

(however, he can't remember what happened two days ago,

so obviously I have to go with my mom on this one),

but then again he's always known me just as I am.

He looks at me as though I have a glass head

and knows every thought I think,

and then laughs with me as our imaginations take over...

because he's definitely the one that fed, watered, and grew

my imagination.

I'd say a good third of the songs in my itunes

are from the 70's because that's what we've listened to 

on every road trip he's taken me on.

Because of him,

I know that sacrifice is worth it;

suffering brings joy;

and love never fails.

Dad,

there are times that I think of you

and my heart just about busts

because of the love I feel for you.

I could never thank you for all the tears

you've shed with me and for me;

for all the loving embraces;

for taking me to dinner every Saturday night for a good year

as my 21 year-old self figured some things out;

for just loving me so perfectly.

And even if I could find a way,

you'd just say, "Okay."

rather than "You're welcome."...

because that's just your way.

So, today I give thanks

to the One who knit me together, 

the Writer of my days,

for writing out my 32 years thus far

and placing me in the care of these

perfectly wonderful imperfect people. 

Tis the season...

Ah, yes, 'tis the season indeed... the season of diligence.
The dictionary defines diligence as a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what has been undertaken; the persistent exertion of body and mind.

The persistent exertion of body and mind...

As I wrote that, little thumbnails of images went through my mind;
taking my two year old to the bathroom during church... six times in five minutes;
disciplining my three and a half year old for being unkind to the two year old...10 times in one hour;
cleaning pink lip gloss off the couch for the third time this week;
acknowledging every bump, bruise, cut and scrape;
eating every cupcake and cookie brought to me from the little pink kitchen;
wrapping up every baby doll just like baby brother is wrapped up;
reading the same books and listening to the same songs over and over... and over.

Loving people... so they see;
 speaking kindly... so they hear;
showing empathy... so they feel;
doing the right thing... every time;
asking for forgiveness... EVERY time I mess up;
praying constantly... out loud and with them;
being thankful... in ALL circumstances;
being obedient... when I really don't want to be;
accepting consequences;
being hopeful... always;
resting in my Savior's grace.

These are the seeds being diligently sown daily.
It's hard work. It's REALLY hard work!
But I fully believe we will reap an incredible harvest.
 In fact, my three year old could sing you a nice little diddy she's learned (from listening to the song EVERY TIME we're in the car!) about sowing seeds from Miss Millipede and the gang in Ants'hillvania... let's see how I do:

"First you pull the weeds, then you rake and hoe, then you plant the seed, that's the way you sow.

Just you wait and see, everyone will know, what you planted there when they start to grow.

Every plant has little seeds that make others of it's kind, apple seeds make apple trees and they do it every time. Seeds make flowers and shrubs and trees, seeds make ferns and vines and weeds, what you plant is what you grow, so be careful what you sow!

Down inside your heart there are thoughts you sow, that are just like seeds planted deep below, just you wait and see everyone will know what you planted there when they start to grow!

You must choose your seeds with care, what you sow will blossom there. Keep your garden free from sin, let wisdom from above within. Good thoughts help you do things right, bad thoughts make you fuss and fight. What you plant is what you grow, so be careful what you sow."

Okay, I'll just go ahead and admit that I had to actually listen to it just to get all the words right.
But it's a great tune to have playing over and over (and over!) reminding me that I have small window of time to really be diligent in this process because things are already sprouting up. Some really good little blossoms... and some really bad little weeds that need some major raking and hoeing!

I found a quote from Samuel Johnson that I really like:
"What we hope ever to do with ease, we may learn first to do with diligence."
So good to remember.

And when I'm tired and everything in me is screaming, "NOT AGAIN!!!!" I'm reminded to
"...not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

Don't give up.

Raises

My little brother (he's 26... hahaha, but will always be my little baby brother!) was over last night along with a few other gentlemen (visiting my husband... I don't often have, actually never have, gentlemen visiting me!) and we were talking non-chalantly talking about getting raises at their places of employment, and I chimed in that I hadn't received a raise for awhile. My brother looked at me and then looked over at my latest little bundle and replied, "You just got a raise. Think of all the new joy you get everyday." (Timeout for a sec while I bawl my eyes out...)

Before I had kids, I was in the financial world for eight years beginning when I was nineteen, working my way up. I received a performance review each year and was then given a raise each year.  That's how the corporate world usually works. And I loooooooved my job. I worked on the customer service side of things and loved building new relationships through that; loved seeing the same customers each day and getting to know their stories. I loved it.  But that was not my calling and I knew it. Everything in me wanted to be at home growing a family, investing in THOSE little souls each day.

2006 was the last year that I was working, and I was managing my own small branch. That year also brought my first two pregnancies, both of which ended in miscarriage. The emotional/ mental pain that penetrates you when that little soul leaves your body is mind-shattering.  However, with pain comes growth, and with suffering comes hope, two things I've now learned to run towards rather than away from.

At the end of that year, I left and stayed home for awhile and then began working for a non-profit organization and then soon found out I was pregnant again. I stayed until my third trimester and then left to be at home hoping to get a bit prepared for the life changes that come when having a baby.  Once she was here, I realized that nothing really prepared me. She was amazing in every way and completely overwhelming. The growth and hope that sprang forth from that new relationship must have looked pretty good on my "performance review" that year, because 18 months later I received my first "raise", another incredible little soul embodied in a very chubby, sparkling blue-eyed girl. And life again was amazing and overwhelming bringing more growth and springing new hope each day.

And now 22 months later, another "raise"... another little soul embodied in a round little belly and spiky hair and bearing a striking resemblance to his very handsome blue-eyed father. And again, life is overwhelmingly amazing and amazingly overwhelming at times, but it's exactly what I've always wanted... and really, what I need. I thank the One who gives generously and takes away knowingly for each of the "raises" that He's given me and not given me for each one calls me to know Him, love Him, and seek Him each passing moment.