Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Whirlwinds and Stretching.

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind.
The Red Barn Outdoor Market grew by almost three times what it was last Spring and it took so much more to organize and keep things rolling smoothly. It happened though; it was muddy and cold, but it did happen and we did have a blast!
Seeing the pictures reminds me how much I love this opportunity. I just love it SO much and am so thankful for it.

Once the market stuff ended, we began focusing attention to getting our house listed on the market. We're STILL working on that. We're hoping to find a space that accommodates all of our needs... one of those needs being space for another family member! We'll be welcoming another little baby to our lives mid-November. 

This pregnancy has definitely made itself a priority in my daily life most days as I have been extremely nauseous and exhausted. I finally started feeling less exhausted and haven't been too nauseous at all since about last Thursday. I do still have three other children, though, and they also make themselves a priority in my daily life. The last few weeks have just been trying and exhausting all around.

And today it all came forth. Everything that I've been pushing off, holding back, just trying to survive the days, all came to a sobbing mess today. I am not one that cries too often, especially not when overwhelmed... until it just gets to that point when I am REALLY overwhelmed. I was sobbing and telling the girls over and over that I just could not handle it anymore... and my five year laughed at me. Hmm... wonder where she picked that up from? Mother, I do not regret ever laughing at you when you were crying over some of the silly things you cried over, however, I was in your shoes today. So know that payback is taking place. I honestly think that she just had no idea what to do, so she laughed. It's okay, it gave me an opportunity to question what on earth was going on.

I had no answer, but I knew that SOMETHING had to be going on besides just being exhausted and sick and tired of the daily motherly opportunities I've been given.

And then I lost it again tonight. My heart was just heavy... and then I realized that it's heavy from the grief that this week bears.

May 16th, tomorrow, will be the 9th anniversary of my Mother-in-law's and youngest brother-in-law's deaths. The day, the moments, the phone calls are still very clear in my mind. May 16th, 2004 changed the direction of our lives in so many, many ways... 

May 17th, 2006 brought more heartache as I experienced the physical and emotional loss of our first baby through miscarriage. It never gets to me until this week... every year.

And my heart gets heavy. I don't get it. I am thankful for it... as it's always a perfect reminder of the sovereign grace that is so generously given out when most needed. And it makes me feel something that is not a normal part of my everyday life. And it makes me long for Home, in different ways than exhaustion and toddlers throwing tantrums make me long for Home. 

There's just a lot of "stretching" taking place around these parts tonight and my whole being feels it.

Adding to the stretching, two of Jacob's brothers are moving away in the next week or so; one is taking his pregnant wife with him as well! I struggle to write the words that would give some sort of explanation as to how my heart feels about this. It makes me so sad. Life certainly doesn't afford me the time that I used to be able to spend with them, so the times that I do have with them are really meaningful to me, even when it's just dinner or them just stopping by. I feel like the little widow we visit down the street just longing for a little more time each time. Being married to their older brother and not having my mother-in-law around these last several years has given me such incredible opportunities to love them in a lot of different ways and I do love them so much.

So, we'll see what the rest of this night holds in store... certainly not finishing off the bag of Black Forest Caramels I have... actually it may in fact be those little caramels time to shine. Though a glass of pineapple juice also sounds really delicious... we'll see who shines brighter.


  1. Daughter,
    My heart twinges as I read this writing...the pains of a mother continue throughout life. I clearly see the day I lost it (at least one of them anyway)hopefully you kids don't remember it! You were five also and the boys were newborn and 18 months....yes I think its been passed down to you!
    Stretching is a great way to describe it all. Stretching is good for us though, if you're not stretched well you're going to feel more pain!
    I will continue to pray Colossians 1:9-16...inserting your name specifically! Love, mom.

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