A Life Changer...

I feel like I've experienced several 

life-changing moments

already in my short life;

At 15, my parent's divorce

was devastating,

though through it

I feel as though 

cycles were broken

and purpose

was instilled in me.

At 24, burying my mother-in-law

and youngest brother-in-law

brought a sorrow

that I really can't describe,

yet it proved 

the endurance and perseverance 

that I was capable of.

I've written before of my

two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage

and the ache that filled my being;

though I see now

what the Giver of Life was orchestrating.

With all of these under my belt,

nothing prepared me for her...

At thirteen weeks pregnant,

I saw a picture of what I thought

was my little baby boy.

The exhilaration that ran through me

for the next several weeks was incredible.

I prayed for HIM;

I sang to HIM;

I loved HIM.

We named HIM.

I went for my next sonogram

at 20 weeks pregnant

and saw a very clear image of a tiny

little baby GIRL.

I'll be honest,

I was so devastated.

I walked out to my car

and wept,

and cried a little more,

and finally pulled myself together

to go show my husband the images.

For me,

it was almost like experiencing

something similar to my miscarriages.

It was like HE was there, 

and then all of a sudden HE wasn't.

(Um, did I mention I was 20 weeks pregnant??

I was obviously a little emotional...)

Finally getting over the shock,

I began looking forward to this little girl.

I had always wanted boys,

but again knew that something bigger was taking place in me.

I needed that little girl more than I knew.

And when she arrived...

oh, goodness...

A joy no words can describe;

the love that took root in my heart and began growing;

the desire to be able to 

shield her,

protect her,

and give her the world

soared to an unattainable amount.

The long, frustrating sleepless nights

that left me gritting my teeth in rage

that our Maker would

not just grant us a little peace (and sleep!)

make me laugh now...

as I run on anywhere between five to six hours

of interrupted sleep these days

(this week, much less...

as I love on her teething little brother).

Her joy;

her questions;

her love;

her perception;

her wonder...

leave me in awe of our Creator.

Braiding her hair;

painting her nails;

making her dresses

(because that's ALL she wants to wear!);

passing on my addiction to lip gloss and mascara;

and showing her what is truly lovely

fills something in me

that I didn't even know I was missing.

She continues to leave me in bewilderment...

an incredibly wonderful bewilderment.

She's what I needed;

and today, 

she's four years old.

My first Little Love...

Happy Birthday, Little One.