Sunday, February 19, 2012

A Life Changer...

I feel like I've experienced several 
life-changing moments
already in my short life;
At 15, my parent's divorce
was devastating,
though through it
I feel as though 
cycles were broken
and purpose
was instilled in me.

At 24, burying my mother-in-law
and youngest brother-in-law
brought a sorrow
that I really can't describe,
yet it proved 
the endurance and perseverance 
that I was capable of.

I've written before of my
two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage
and the ache that filled my being;
though I see now
what the Giver of Life was orchestrating.

With all of these under my belt,
nothing prepared me for her...

At thirteen weeks pregnant,
I saw a picture of what I thought
was my little baby boy.
The exhilaration that ran through me
for the next several weeks was incredible.
I prayed for HIM;
I sang to HIM;
I loved HIM.
We named HIM.

I went for my next sonogram
at 20 weeks pregnant
and saw a very clear image of a tiny
little baby GIRL.

I'll be honest,
I was so devastated.
I walked out to my car
and wept,
and cried a little more,
and finally pulled myself together
to go show my husband the images.

For me,
it was almost like experiencing
something similar to my miscarriages.
It was like HE was there, 
and then all of a sudden HE wasn't.
(Um, did I mention I was 20 weeks pregnant??
I was obviously a little emotional...)

Finally getting over the shock,
I began looking forward to this little girl.
I had always wanted boys,
but again knew that something bigger was taking place in me.
I needed that little girl more than I knew.

And when she arrived...
oh, goodness...

A joy no words can describe;
the love that took root in my heart and began growing;
the desire to be able to 
shield her,
protect her,
and give her the world
soared to an unattainable amount.

The long, frustrating sleepless nights
that left me gritting my teeth in rage
that our Maker would
not just grant us a little peace (and sleep!)
make me laugh now...
as I run on anywhere between five to six hours
of interrupted sleep these days
(this week, much less...
as I love on her teething little brother).

Her joy;
her questions;
her love;
her perception;
her wonder...
leave me in awe of our Creator.

Braiding her hair;
painting her nails;
making her dresses
(because that's ALL she wants to wear!);
passing on my addiction to lip gloss and mascara;
and showing her what is truly lovely
fills something in me
that I didn't even know I was missing.

She continues to leave me in bewilderment...
an incredibly wonderful bewilderment.

She's what I needed;
and today, 
she's four years old.
My first Little Love...

Happy Birthday, Little One.


  1. she is just gorgeous... and thanks for being real. i enjoy your posts. :)

  2. I'm pregnant, hormonal and this just made me cry! Even though I think I would cry even if I wasn't pregnant. Beautiful words and sentiments.

    1. HAHA! Hormones and babies always make me cry about everything... put them together and whoa! Thanks, friend. :)