I'm ALIVE.

Last Tuesday, I wasn't so sure. I have been SICK. I laid in bed last Tuesday, staring at the ceiling and called a priest to come read me my last rites (I'm not Catholic, just dramatic). It was SO terrible. It was horrid. It was by far, the most horrifying state of sickness my body has ever been through.

It was, however, much needed.

I'm not one that... um, slows down. I get going and going and usually that works for me. Until it just doesn't.

After the Fall Red Barn Outdoor Market, I was still doing pretty well. Okay, laundry would get washed... but never put away. Meals were kind of planned... but not really. To some, this may be your everyday, and that's okay. It's not okay for me. I just don't function well in this environment. I need a routine, I need a schedule.

And my hormones were off... like really off. I just wasn't functioning as my normal self. So, I decided to do a cleanse and see what happened. It worked great, I wrote about it. There was, still is, more than a week could cure though. That's still in the works. However, having my hormones off just did not add to already being out of sync.

Then December came. Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary, just a lot going on. After our anniversary, I just felt tired. I was looking forward to my birthday, and how I could just spend the day by myself, relaxing, doing whatever I wanted to. One week before my birthday, I started feeling REALLY tired and like I was trying to fight something. The next day, I woke up feeling fine. That evening (New Year's Eve) I laid on the couch wrapped up in a blanket most of the night. Tuesday morning, I could not move. Thankfully, Jacob was still off work and cared for me.

Actually he didn't just care for me. He saved me. He, along with the One who knows my every need even before I do, saved me. I needed to shed that independence of just being able to handle everything. I needed to be completely dependent on him... and knocking me down physically was the only way that was going to happen. I really did just lay in bed staring at the ceiling with tears streaming because I was in so much pain, and so utterly helpless. And my Love loved me. He embodied LOVE in such a way that it just humbled me. He ended up staying home for two extra days that week, as I tried to kick it and as my little ladies began to get it.

The day that he did go back, I asked my Book Club girls to be lifting me up throughout that day as I was still so sick, and was scheduled to take pictures that day. Within minutes of posting that request, one of them was headed to my house with tea, Emergen-C, homemade chicken broth, and other flu fighting sources. This act of love from a friend brought me to my knees. She packed up her three children just to care for me. Who does that? Sure we all throw out there the "If you need anything, just let me know!" phrase, but seriously... I'm not going to just let you know if I need anything. Because I don't want to feel as though I bothered you or inconvenienced you in any way. I don't want to have to place dependence on you. She heard my need and just took care of it. Another friend saw the post and brought us a meal. It was made up of morsels of mercy and grace. And it was kind of hard to swallow.

While my body was physically battling a nasty little virus, my soul was battling... itself. A scary battle to be in. Yet each time I thought I was being knocked down, I was actually being lifted up. Each act of love and grace that was shown to me was used as a band-aid to heal something that I hadn't even known was wounded... because I just kept moving and never took time to feel.

Each night when my husband comes home he makes his way to me (usually in the kitchen where I'm preparing dinner chaotically) and kisses me. I've asked him to not only continue doing this, but also to make me stop what I'm doing and embrace me. Hug out all the independence that was placed on my shoulders throughout the day of running a household and caring for and training the Littles. In this physical act of leaning on him, it triggers something in me to mentally let go and distribute some of the weight of life.

So, when I say "I'm ALIVE.", I feel it. I feel life again. I feel freedom. And I'm excited to see how this freedom will be used.

ONE DECADE

Today, I'm out with my Love celebrating the last decade of our lives.

It's unbelievable to me that we're here. A decade sounds like so long, and yet I feel like it was just last night that I saw him across the room, had my friend casually "run into" him and introduce us, and I was gone. The moment he smiled at me... I was gone. I knew immediately that I would be his wife (it would take him a bit longer to figure that out... but I've figured out that's just his way...), but I had no idea what being a wife, HIS wife, would involve at that moment.

Because when you're young and looking into a pair of dreamy blue eyes, you're blinded... and that's good. If you knew, in that moment, all the ways your heart would be stretched and pulled, and trampled on, and lifted up, and held and hurt... you'd run. And with good reason!

Marriage is good... and hard. There are times when I've thought I was actually going to bust because  I love him so much. There are times when I've felt like I could seriously hurt him. He has made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. He's made me cry, too. He's held me; he's walked with me. He's amazing.

He is SO amazing.

He's my anchor. He keeps me from floating and he keeps me from sinking. I'm allowed to dream because he stays grounded.

I love him.

Good News, Glad Tidings.

"Good news from heaven the angels brings
glad tidings to the earth they bring
to us this day a child is given
to crown us with the joy of heaven

This is the Christ, our God and Lord
who in all need shall aid afford
he will himself our Savior be
and from our sins will set us free"

-This Is The Christ, Sandra McCracken

The words of this song make my heart ache and joyfully leap all in the same beat.
I'm humbled and I celebrate... and I sometimes have to catch my breath when I actually ponder the reality of this gift... "he will himself our Savior be and from our sins will set us free".

On The Menu: Sugar Cookies

Sugar Cookies

Heat oven to 375 degrees.

3 Cups Flour

1/2 Teaspoon of Salt

1/2 Teaspoon of Baking Powder

2 Sticks of Butter, softened but firm

1 Cup Sugar

1 Egg

2 Teaspoons Almond Extract

Whisk together dry ingredients in a separate bowl; cream together butter and sugar in a mixer on the low setting. Add egg and almond extract and mix until creamy. Add dry ingredients to the mix. 

Once dough forms, shape into a ball and refrigerate up to an hour. 

Once chilled, remove and cut out. Bake for 8-9 minutes (depending on your oven settings). 

I prefer chewy, cakey cookies so my cookies are pretty thick; for my perfect cookie, the key is to leave it in there just long enough to bake, but not quite to the point where it's beginning to brown.

Then I add icing (4 Cups Confectioner's Sugar, 3 Tablespoons Meringue Powder, 5 Tablespoons COLD water... some people prefer to use warm water, but I've personally always had it turn out better with cold.).

Then I almost pass out from the buttery, sugar goodness.

Have the loveliest of days!

The Daily DIY: Hanging Paper Lanterns

These Hanging Paper Lanterns are SUPER easy to make and are so pretty to look at.

Here's a short video tutorial to show just HOW easy.

music: "Oh Holiday" by Jules Larson

I used a translucent thread to hang these from our ceiling. You could also set these over mason jars with tea lights to create an actual lantern effect. I'm excited to incorporate these into the little ladies room decor... as they are much like me and enjoy having pretty things to look at all around them. 

Have a lovely, wonderful weekend!