I'm ALIVE.

Last Tuesday, I wasn't so sure. I have been SICK. I laid in bed last Tuesday, staring at the ceiling and called a priest to come read me my last rites (I'm not Catholic, just dramatic). It was SO terrible. It was horrid. It was by far, the most horrifying state of sickness my body has ever been through.

It was, however, much needed.

I'm not one that... um, slows down. I get going and going and usually that works for me. Until it just doesn't.

After the Fall Red Barn Outdoor Market, I was still doing pretty well. Okay, laundry would get washed... but never put away. Meals were kind of planned... but not really. To some, this may be your everyday, and that's okay. It's not okay for me. I just don't function well in this environment. I need a routine, I need a schedule.

And my hormones were off... like really off. I just wasn't functioning as my normal self. So, I decided to do a cleanse and see what happened. It worked great, I wrote about it. There was, still is, more than a week could cure though. That's still in the works. However, having my hormones off just did not add to already being out of sync.

Then December came. Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary, just a lot going on. After our anniversary, I just felt tired. I was looking forward to my birthday, and how I could just spend the day by myself, relaxing, doing whatever I wanted to. One week before my birthday, I started feeling REALLY tired and like I was trying to fight something. The next day, I woke up feeling fine. That evening (New Year's Eve) I laid on the couch wrapped up in a blanket most of the night. Tuesday morning, I could not move. Thankfully, Jacob was still off work and cared for me.

Actually he didn't just care for me. He saved me. He, along with the One who knows my every need even before I do, saved me. I needed to shed that independence of just being able to handle everything. I needed to be completely dependent on him... and knocking me down physically was the only way that was going to happen. I really did just lay in bed staring at the ceiling with tears streaming because I was in so much pain, and so utterly helpless. And my Love loved me. He embodied LOVE in such a way that it just humbled me. He ended up staying home for two extra days that week, as I tried to kick it and as my little ladies began to get it.

The day that he did go back, I asked my Book Club girls to be lifting me up throughout that day as I was still so sick, and was scheduled to take pictures that day. Within minutes of posting that request, one of them was headed to my house with tea, Emergen-C, homemade chicken broth, and other flu fighting sources. This act of love from a friend brought me to my knees. She packed up her three children just to care for me. Who does that? Sure we all throw out there the "If you need anything, just let me know!" phrase, but seriously... I'm not going to just let you know if I need anything. Because I don't want to feel as though I bothered you or inconvenienced you in any way. I don't want to have to place dependence on you. She heard my need and just took care of it. Another friend saw the post and brought us a meal. It was made up of morsels of mercy and grace. And it was kind of hard to swallow.

While my body was physically battling a nasty little virus, my soul was battling... itself. A scary battle to be in. Yet each time I thought I was being knocked down, I was actually being lifted up. Each act of love and grace that was shown to me was used as a band-aid to heal something that I hadn't even known was wounded... because I just kept moving and never took time to feel.

Each night when my husband comes home he makes his way to me (usually in the kitchen where I'm preparing dinner chaotically) and kisses me. I've asked him to not only continue doing this, but also to make me stop what I'm doing and embrace me. Hug out all the independence that was placed on my shoulders throughout the day of running a household and caring for and training the Littles. In this physical act of leaning on him, it triggers something in me to mentally let go and distribute some of the weight of life.

So, when I say "I'm ALIVE.", I feel it. I feel life again. I feel freedom. And I'm excited to see how this freedom will be used.